if a girl wants to watch a sport because she thinks a player is hot then let her, it’s not like guys watch the VS fashion show because they want to buy new bras.
A Letter For No One,
I’m approaching the end of the checklist I created for myself years ago. Student teaching in the fall. Graduating again in December…this time I get to wear a fancy hood.
July 1, I celebrated three years with a boyfriend who’s been really great to me…who is really great to me. I love how it’s easy. I’m not obsessing over the relationship, it’s just enjoyable. It’s nice. I see so many people around me getting ready to be married who haven’t even been together as long as he and I have..and I’m not interested. I need at least 5-7 years with someone..It’s weird to think, this could be the relationship that defines the rest of my life. We certainly are past the part where it’s always enjoyable. It’s difficult sometimes, we don’t live in the same place. My career is advancing faster than his. I worry a little bit about the future of this fall. I know that the stress of internship is going to make the distance more complicated for me. I’ve never been good with this whole distance thing. I really fear the idea that we could be growing apart and forgetting to tell each other, when really we are only about 45 minutes away.
Seeing each other once a week is still difficult. It’s hard to come home after work and think, “I wish that we could watch tv together while I make dinner.” Being with a musician is hard. His schedule is always crazy. I’m an English teacher/ community center assistant director..I pretty much have a 7-4 job..6 during the school year. Yet, as much as the dysfunctional schedule is a pain, I’m so proud of everything he does. It’s really great to be somewhere and be claimed as his girl. He’s so incredibly talented; I just wish that the stars would align for his success doing what he loves AND paying the bills.
It’s stressful to have to think about money and careers when regarding someone I love. It used to be so easy, when I was only concerned with how I felt about someone..but as careers approach on the horizon, I have begun thinking about logistical details of relationships: can he take care of me, can he hold a decent job, does he have health insurance, is his car reliable???
Simultaneously, as I think about these concepts, I really don’t want to worry about those kinds of things. I wish they were just included. I suffer from so many different kinds of nostalgia, when really, I don’t want those things at all. I’m enticed by the way things might have played out had they not become so corrupted. Sometimes I just want to be enamored and woo’d. There’s disillusionment of being with someone for as long as I’ve been with Zach, but it’s a really good disillusionment.. You see, people think that there’s supposed to be some sort of fireworks happening even after you’ve been with someone for a long time. There’s still a spark there, but it’s different. It’s the assurance than no matter how bad/good things are, they are still going to be there to kiss you goodnight. They will answer the phone when they really are doing other things, but they want to talk or listen to you. Being together past the honeymoon stage means that you’re not fighting about stupid stuff, but that you both know how not to hurt one another and you do your best to not fuck up because you don’t want to disappoint them.
I’m really awaiting the day we decide we can’t stand to be apart anymore. I really hope we can make it through this next trial.
I’m at a crossroad..I’m on the edge of a career. I live in a cute apartment in the city now with just my cat. I’m over having roommates and half the responsibility. I have the full course. I’m one of the only people in my college friend group to graduate..and here I am about to graduate again in a year and a semester after graduating with my bachelors. I almost want to shove the accomplishment under the rug so that I don’t appear haughty in my determination and accomplishment.
I have grown to enjoy being on my own. I have discovered that I know how to successfully take care of myself. I can live alone, and not be lonely.I don’t depend on someone for my happiness. I’ve learned a lot about myself. I’m selfish. I love me more than anything that is going to cause stress and worry. But above all, I’m okay with that, because I recognize it. I’m not selfish all the time. I’m working on it. I want to be more self-less. I want to help other people more. I want to smile more so that people don’t think I’m such a bitch. I’m working on me. Being an adult is weird. Suddenly, I’m qualified to do things that I wasn’t qualified to do a year ago.
I’m throwing myself out into the real world because I made a list and was so highly determined to complete the list. Now I’m creeping on the edge of a crossroad, excited and frightened because it’s me and Ally cat against the world.
I have spent the last 15 months giving you everything, piece by piece, every part of me. now you’re gone and i can finally start taking those parts of me back.
You put me through more than I ever deserved. But it’s not just your fault-I stuck around and put up with it. Thanks for teaching me what I do and don’t deserve.